Lets Start Over Again

Here it comes again. All over again.
I hate dealing with this, and I shouldn't have let myself cascade into to start with.
But oh man did I fall for you.
I can't lie to myself on that simplistic matter of all things.

As much as I want to say things might have changed between us had I told you myself, I don't think they really would have.
You would still be there. I, here.
Nothing would have ever been right again...

I can't say anything else.
I think it's because I don't know what to even say about you it.

To: <3

I am confessing; I cannot stop loving you.
In case you forgot, you own a piece of my heart. I refuse to steal it back.
I hope you know the pain induced by this.
I cannot say I do not welcome this pain though, as it is perfect love.
Do you ache as I do? Do you realize what you hold in your hand?
Who can explain to you what you have in those small hands? Not I.

I am confessing; I will not stop loving you.
I willed these pieces to you. Are you holding tight to them still?
Are you caring for it? Nurturing it?
Maybe one day I'll find these pieces again. Or maybe, you will keep them for all eternity.
I find no problem with that plan.
I wanted you to know everything, from the depths of what heart I have left.



This is the first time I've written anything resembling prose poetry in almost 4 years. It came from a conversation with my best friend. The original is below. (It spurned from nowhere, to tell her how much I love her as a friend.)
CatielynnB: I'm having a hard time.
CatielynnB: but I just can't stop loving you
CatielynnB: it's just a well known fact
CatielynnB: that when someone owns a piece of your heart
CatielynnB: you can't just steal it back
CatielynnB: otherwise, they'll have an achy feeling
CatielynnB: they may not know where it came from
CatielynnB: or why it's there
CatielynnB: but they'll know
CatielynnB: that's why I'm leaving a part of my heart
CatielynnB: in your hands
CatielynnB: to care for
CatielynnB: and nurture
CatielynnB: and maybe one day, you'll give it back
CatielynnB: or maybe, you'll keep it for the rest of eternity
CatielynnB: and I have no problem with that whatsoever.
CatielynnB: I just wanted you to know
CatielynnB: from the depths of my heart
Her: o.o
(which is probably the best response ever. :D)

The Restless Soul is Searching

I realized that after Wednesday night I confide a lot in my best friend Nikki, and for that, I am eternally grateful. She has done so much, not only with but for me, that I cannot repay her. Not to lie to myself, but I have a handful of best friends, and I can trust them with anything and everything.

(1,000 times I’ve fell/Still your mercy remains/Should I stumble again/Still I ‘m calling your grace/Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades/Never-ending your glory goes beyond all fame/Your will above all else/My purpose remains/The art of losing myself/In bringing you praise/Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades/Never-ending your glory goes beyond all fame/My hear and my soul/I give you control/Consume me from the inside out...)

When I cannot find someone to tell, to talk to, to let it all out I realize how much I've become introverted on some things more than I used to be. It is slowly scaring me to silence. Which is unnatural for the girl who can talk to a brick wall.

I remember making a choice just over a year ago now.
And you know what, it'd days like today where I wish I could repair that trust and everything... but, she's changed. I've changed. And that's what gets to me.

I want to openly thank Nikki. I love her to death.
Rachael too, and Katie, and Katherine Jean (even though she was just in an accident), Katelyn and Adam too. Outside of that, Mycah, Emily and Angel, you guys are spectacular too.

-Much love
-C

Life Lesson #428

I didn't realize how much my friends mean to me tonight.
(And not just in a tangible way where I know they'll be there tomorrow and the next day and the day after that but in a way that I can fight with them and argue with them and still have that intense friendship right afterwords.)
I was given insight into a 'new' friends life tonight. And I don't think I have room to complain about anything anymore. Not because his life sucks, but because of how much he keeps it all in. He's failing classes. He's got a crappy GPA. He's got a idiotic sister who ran off and had an abortion without anyone knowing only to be found by the police/FBI later. (Idiotic for running off and not telling anyone, make your own opinions on the abortion side) He's stuck on school to job to homework to nightmares about calculus and programming classes and anything school related. He doesn't want to go to church anymore because he just doesn't believe in it anymore...

And in the midst of him venting this at me I realized that I don't know much about 85% of the people I spend most of my time with.
It's like a light came on (and yes I know how cliche that is...) and now I can't shut it off. These people that I've spent a little more than a year with and I know maybe their birthdays, mostly with the help of Facebook, and/or the small issues that we all have with professors or parents or anything else.
My head hurts trying to figure it all out. And who I want to know more about. And who I don't want to know more about.

There's been a huge influx of people coming into my life and staying recently and I'm not sure how to navigate through those waters. I've had the same friends since seventh grade and I've known lots of people (as I can talk to a brick wall) and I've been around a lot of people all of my life. A lot of the *same* people. We all knew each other because we *all* went to elementary school and middle school together and (go figure) high school too! I've always had new people in small pieces, but now, I've had over 20 new people walk into my life in the past ... two weeks. Which I guess isn't that bad in the grand scheme of things. Its just so much new and I like it, but its pushing overload at this point, but I digress...

The story of my friend, who I've learned so much about in the past twenty eight hours, is really opening my eyes to whats going on outside of my little bubble. I've had these situations before, and learned from them. But this is probably the first I've actually written about in the past year since I lost my journal. I want to be able to know these new/old people like I know myself. And love them, mainly because they deserve it for putting up with me, with everything I have to offer.

Tomorrow. Florida.

Tomorrow. I'm leaving for Florida with my best friend. :)
T-O-M-O-R-R-O-W

I'm happy. :)
Like ecstatic!

I can't find a reason to be unhappy.

This is going to be the best ever.

I can't even keep my thoughts in a straight line.




Oh. And I miss my best friend. (Just in case he happens to read this)

Major Excitement!

Talk about an amazing day back yesterday. :)
First off it was my first day back to classes on my second year of college. Which that in itself is an accomplishment. (Several people never thought I could make it a year.. HAHA is all I have to say. I'm doing this, you're not. Now shut up.)

BUT, reasons for the post are numerous but number one is the fact that I won a contest. I never win contests! EVER! But, man was this one worth winning! I'm going to Flordia (with one other person) for free to hang with Barlow Girl. Wow. I'm like amaaaazed. I couldn't hardly talk yesterday for sheer excitement. Now I have to wait on an email, and it's taking forever....

I can't wait!

NAYC Day by Day

Day 1:
Van Ride. Quite possibly the most uncomfortable three hours of my life. A friend played the same eight chords on his guitar for two consecutive hours, for 'practice.' Got there. Got settled in. Got dressed. Did hair. Put shoes on. Was ready to GO at 5:15. Got to the Sommet Center at 5:45. Ended up with 'decent' seats but couldn't see a thing. (Go figure!) Sat through most of the groups for the PMA(Pentecostal Music Association) Talent Competition. Got bored. Walked around to the CLC/Gateway/IBC/ABI booths and a few in between. Chatted with some people I hadn't seen before, or had, it depended. Service started. Song. Song. Song. Worship. Song. Offering. ;) Song. Preaching. And somewhere in that set I kinda stop functioning. Granted I didn't sleep like the girl down the aisle. But I can't really remember what Bro Shay Mann had to talk about. That is sad. Altar call. (Which was huge) Coordinated where we were supposed to eat. It failed. Went to ... Applebees. Went back to the hotel. Didn't go to bed until after 2am.

Day 2:
Slept until about 7:45. Got relatively decent looking. (HAH!) Went down for breakfast, which was scrumptious. Met Phil the Chef. He was hilarious. He made my breakfast. Ate. Went upstairs. Got dressed and prettyish. Was ready to leave at 9:30. Got to the Sommet Center at 9:50. Walked. (lots) Got to the NCC (Nashville Convention Center, which conveniently was right across the street from the SC) Waited in line. Waited. Waited. Waited some more. Decided to make a run for it up the down escalator. Almost made it. Tripped on last step(ish) Fell. Scraped up knee and seriously injured toe. Was escorted to First Aid. (SHOCK) Hobbled to Young Adult class. Took Leah's pain killers. Almost passed out from drugs. (oops) Went out of class and sat on the stairs. Called friend (no answer and I hate leaving voice-mails). Left Split Sessions to go to the Main Session at the Sommet Center. Almost got smashed by a car. Didn't go to main session as it was to crowded and I got sick when looking down from the top level to the floor. Met up with Bethany and Justin. Felt like a third wheel. Ended up seeing an old friend. (Nathan) Exchanged numbers and spent the next hour and a half talking and catching up. (Enjoyably) Main Session ended. Went to 'The Arcade' for lunch. (I.E. Walked up a massive hill with a bum foot. Stupid idea.) Was pretty tired. Ate for less than three bucks. Superb. Hobbled back down hill to the van. Went back to the hotel and started to get ready for church. Texted nameless friend. A lot. Got pretty for church. :) Left for church at 5:15. Got better seats. Saved a seat for youth and one for Nathan. Met up with Brother and Sister Jadrnicek (Yard-No-Check :D) from Milwakee on accident! They had preached one of our rallies in the last year. Was pretty spiffy. Watched the Male Soloists part of the PMA Talent Search. Service started. Sang. Sang some more. Even more. Gave in the offering. Watched a rather random video about us giving in the offerings. Hah. 'Hostage Situation' Yeahhhhh right. Had a wonderful message preached. Was on the floor around the platform before he was even finished. Took my shoes off on the floor. Prayed with some new friend from Arizona. :) They were awesome. DJ was amazing. Prayed alone. Prayed with DJ some more. (Love that girl!) Adam had to come get me from praying with those girls. Hobbled back to the van shoeless because I refused to put them on. (THEY were painful!) Changed clothes outside, completely decently for Eight. Walked over to Rockettown! for Eight. Turned in ticket for Eight. Met Jayleen from Maryland. Hung out with her. Listened to some stellar music by Kyle Elkins and The Experience Band. Watched some Insane Twister. And some Blind Musical Chairs. And some more music. Hung out with Jayleen some more. Met about 20 other people. :) (From alllll over) Met Jared. Made fun of Jared. Looked through Jared's Bag of Awesome. Got sleepy. Waited to go to the hotel. Didn't get in the hotel front doors until after 2am. Adam was mad at me because I got to stay when everyone else had to leave. Oh well. :) Didn't get to sleep until after 3.

Day 3:
Woke up late. (oopsie!) Still had breakfast, just wasn't really pretty looking in front of all those peoples. Phil made fun of me. Oh well. He's cool. went back upstairs, got pretty again. Left for the Sommet Center at 9:30 again. Went to the Young Minister Split session to hear Rev. Haney. Was awesome. :) Met up with a few people on accident. Found Nathan again. :) Spent most of the service talking to him. (I don't do well with heights) Forgot where we went to lunch. Forgot what we did after that. Remember pressing dress for Friday Night service. Got pretty again. :) Was dressed, pretty and smelled good by 5:00pm. Was standing in line for them to open the doors at 5:15pm. Walked through the doors to the Sommet Center at around 5:33pm and bee-lined for a floor seat. Managed to find two empty ones in the front row! (SCORE!) Saved for Nathan and myself. Listened to the female soloists for the PMA Awards. Made a few new friends in the surrounding rows. Prayed for the service. Sang with no voice with Gateway United (College of Evangelism)! Jumped, danced and praised God above. Was on my feet for most of Friday night service. It was hot. I was hot. And probably sticky. Rev. Wayne Frances preached. We shouted some more. I prayed. We prayed. They prayed. I remember crying. And praying for Shaylynn. She got the Holy Ghost that night! STELLAR! Prayed some more. Left with my youth to a quick stop at the hotel. Went to the Afterburner at the Opry Mills Mall. Ended up getting lost in the mall. Hung out with Chris and Colleen. Had fun. Listened to the bands play and sing. Couldn't hardly whisper. Met some more people. Left the mall at 2am. Was at the hotel at 2:45. Was in bed at 4.

Day 4
The trip home started at 11. Didn't get out of bed until 9 something. Ate fast. Got dressed. (minus the extra pretty) Went to the Opry Mills Mall. Ate at the Aquarium. (Awesome food). Walked around with Leah and bought a MUSE and 3oh!3 shirt(for Emmie) from Hot Topic. Waited. Waited. Waited some more to go home. Almost got the vans towed. (HAH! You don't park in BUS ONLY parking with two vans I guess) Left for home at 2pm Nashville time(an hour behind home). Didn't get home until late. Unpacked. Relived the memories. Went to bed. Got up at 5:15am for Inventory at work... (Death)

What is Understanding?

"For those opposed consider this. The dark Lord cannot kill Harry Potter because his mother laid down her life to protect him. Gospel anyone?" @mikedonehey

Wow. I find that a powerful statement. Even if it is comparing the Bible to a work of fiction.

I showed that to my best friend who went to the HP6 premier last night and I got a funny look and a scoff. (I love her to pieces and I want her to know that (if she reads this) that I do in fact still appreciate her opinions. It gets me to thinking. She's smart like that.) But was that really necessary? I guess she felt the need to refute me.

Although, she always does.

What do you think about that statement?

Second Round. *Ding Ding*

You better be ready for everything here.
Just a warning before you get to far into this one :)

1. I was completely unprepared for college.
(But now I find that as an okay step in my life. I didn't know what I was getting into and noe that I have all these options ahead of me *man* my world has expanded. Exponentially.)

2. I don't understand people anymore.
(I've been around so many people just like me that I've never really had to cross bridges to understand and now I'm kinda in over my head. I'm glad I was halfway prepared for that. I don't know what half the people I love would do in my situation. That worries me a lot more than it should.)

(Not to brag)
3. I'm relatively decent at math.
(That makes me happy, seriously. I can keep up (for the most part) with my friends and other students. That makes me super happy. Like, we fly high happy...)

4. I'm completely done with this "Christian Bubble" concept. I want nothing to do with it.
(I was not made to be off by myself on an island with a bunch of other people JUST LIKE ME. I was made to go and reach the world that I live in daily. It does say "be ye not transformed." I'm not transforming. I'm loving them. Let me love them and stop hindering me from doing what I was commanded)

5. I miss reading.
(I cannot wait for Memorial Day weekend so I can hopefully finish the book that has been sitting on my headboard for almost three months. I miss reading just for the thrill of the next words to come. I never finished The Raw Shark Texts. Or House of Leaves. Or P.S. I Love You. Or The Light Keepers Daughter. Or Piercing the Darkness. Or... that list goes on forever.)

6. What happened to the Swine Flu?!
(Seriously. Everyone was freaking out one day. And the next *POOF* it was gone.)

7. I'm sick of hearing the dating speeches.
(Tell someone else how their going to find Prince Charming. I don't need any help. I don't want any help. I'd rather you just not talk to me about it. Oh, and if you must come to me for advice because you can't figure out if you should hold his hand or not, you better not ask after I explain it the third time. You should already know this stuff BEFORE you date someone.)

8. I really with that people would stop lying to me.
(I realize that will probably never ever ever ever ever happen. But, for once in my life I really wish they'd stop doing it to my face where I can see it. I can read people better than you think and you are no exception to this rule. By the way, I'm so looking forward to being in the same room as you at Youth Congress. I will take your phone away at 2am. I'm not sitting up listening to you talk to him for another 4 hours until your phone battery dies. I'm going to hide it. Just you wait.)

9. I miss summer.
(Summer is here in full force *almost* and I''m missing most of it. Thank you Calculus and Physics. And my job. And my inadequate sleep schedule. And the fact that the sun is just rising earlier.)

This is the last one.
I realize this is mostly a whiny post. Sorry.

10. A story.
I locked my keys in the car today. You'd think one of us would have a coat hanger in their car. (And by US I mean 10 (future) engineers.) Crowed around my car trying to stick anything and everything into my car window that's open about half and inch. It was kinda funny in retrospect until the *savior* from the parking office showed up to open it. He was kind of a jerk. And if he'd opened the door faster I probably would have kicked him. What a jerk.

I'm So Not...

Ready.
I never have been.
And it looks like it's going to be a continuing tradition.

Although looks like I can make a bomb go off whenever I want though. (seems to be that I know just how to word myself to make everyone go into a crazy dither)

Tell me something will you?

Romans 12:2 (NKJV)
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

What does that tell you?
Does it tell you not to understand them?!

No. No where in that verse does it say that I cannot understand my best friends situations and what they deal with.
(oh but that isn't a necessity, you don't need to understand to witness) >>Fact One: You cannot exclude yourself from what happens in their lives and EXPECT to be any kind of witness, it will not happen)

We live in a world FULL of garbage that shouldn't be something we look at as a whole. But if you never slightly expose yourself to anything that is remotely related to real world stuff.

It's like the concept of having a godtube.com verses youtube.com and (something that I found tonight) godwitter.com verses twitter.com
(this is one example of a post from godwitter.com - "traveling to sweden, may God open doors to share the gospel with some lost person on the way" which I fully understand, but I'm more with this guy >>"Honestly, I think this is lame. Twitter is fine. Christians don't need another bubble to exist in. Please dismantle.")
and even things like everyonesapostolic.com and anything else that is along those lines are pointless. Yeah, I'm going to "Twitness" to people on twitter to save their souls. Yeah right. Yeahhhh righhhhttttttt.....

Why don't you let me do this my way. Because in the past year, who has decided to take a leap of faith and become friends with the 'unsaveable' people. God saves all. And you know what, stop holding onto the gospel. Let it go free. God will save them. WE HAVE TO be their friends. Period. That's a declarative statement.

Take this how you want it. I'm done with my soapboxing again.

And if I poured salt in a wound, tell me. Give me a solid reason for believing that I'm wrong for reaching out in whatever way works for me.

If that means reading a book about a teenager addicted to crack cocaine then I'm going to. If it means grabbing a movie that's a tad bit offensive because of the language. If it means desensitizing myself to the way the world conducts itself so I can be around my gay and lesbian friends and honestly be their friend. It does NOT mean that I'm any less of a Christian than you. I just have a really sharp needle that you might want to keep your all-inclusive-live-in-a-hole-and-know-nothing lifestyles eyes out for.

And yes. I realize I'm harsh with these words. But I'm so done with the 'Christian bubble' and all the segregation that comes with it. I'll be their friend and confidant, when all you want to do is hand them tracks and tell them that you'll pray for them and that Jesus will save them. That's more like step seven. Get it in line people.

Hate the sin. NOT THE SINNER.

And even if you hate it, be their friend. Love them. Just like Jesus loves them.

First Day Back.

It started out wonderfully.
I don't know why anyone would classify Calculus 2 as wonderful, but it was. :)

For that matter, Graphics was a breeze too.

And now it looks like it is going to be another interesting semester because of the whole "another professor that I may or may not be able to understand". At least it's not warm in this classroom. I might fall asleep if it was.

I'm listening and attempting to understand the accent that this interesting little old man has and it's kinda making it awesome.

So maybe it won't be that bad after all.

Love Leads to Marriage. Marriage Isn't Just for the Sex.

Raise your hand if you got married between the ages of 19-25.
Warning: This may include you.

I get so irritated when people try and tell me that I should be married by the time I'm 22. I've heard more lessons and discussions directed towards me about how I'm not in a relationship now and I should be lookingfor Mr. Right.

You wanna know why I DON'T want to get married.
Lets see here...

- I'm in school full time.
- I want to be in line for a good career by my third or fourth year of college.
- I'd like to be stable financially (as much is as possible)
- And sex isn't that important to me.

That's right. I said it. Sex isn't that important.
By now you should know that I've been raised in church (at least if you've read any of my previous blogs) and I truly believe you should abstain from sex before your married (and I could get off on a whole topic on what is and isn't considered abstaining).

So, that's all easy right?!
Apparently not.

I get so bothered by the fact that half of my peers within the church are married and the other half are in a really serious relationship. What's wrong with MY generation!
Can you not keep it in your pants?!

Marriage shouldn't just be for the sex you want. Oh wait, the lovemaking. Guess I should be politically correct huh? It should be because you truly love the person and you want nothing more than to make them happy. That seems to be the reason for most of the people I know but I always wonder...




Maybe I'm a crazy anomaly to the Christian bubble.


Or maybe I'm halfway right....